A Cockroach
by Sirius R Black
Summary: What happens when you've become The Dark Lord for too long? Talking to one's self is only the beginning of the problems... A strange look at Voldemort's thoughts, ONESHOT at the moment R&R WARNING: SPOILERS!


Okay, this is pretty....interesting....I had just finished reading/watching Lord of The Rings and I kinda had Gollum's style in my head, and this came out...

Hopefully you find it funny....heh....I had fun writing it.

One-shot for now but may become story....if I get some reviews....

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own dear Voldie or any of the others mentioned in this fic. If I did, Harry Potter would be one odd world indeed....**

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He felt like an idiot. A captured, exposed idiot, in fact. He was angry with all of his supposed followers, every single one of them had let him down. Every single one, as he reminded himself constantly as he punished them for their unfaithfulness. And this wasn't the first time he felt like an idiot. Every time he tried to go through with a plan, that blasted kid would somehow magically show up and ruin it. It was like that stupid kid had some sort of radar, knowing where and when to show up, but even when it planned he refused to die. The tall thin man crushed a piece of parchment in his hand angrily. The anger inside him boiled over, and he wished for a moment that something in his past had gone differently. But this was his destiny.

He shot a spell at his nearest follower, who keeled over, unconscious. His eyes narrowed into slits as he watched the few hooded followers that mulled around his hiding spot, trying to get back on his good side. But were they ever really on his good side? He had decided one thing however; that, in order to kill the boy who continued to thwart his plans, he had to break the boy's spirit. And the mayhem had begun. But the man also felt a sense of...happiness from what had happened. The one that had died had been constantly in the way, and it had been time for his untimely death. _And it also hurt the boy_, Tom hissed to himself quietly. Several death eaters looked up, but all he did was throw a couple of stones from the ground at them, which quickly diverted their attention.

_Yes Tom, Harry Potter had to die, but first we must kill his spirit_. _The blasted kid has too much spirit, Tom, remember that_, he reminded himself. And so they had lured him to try the first time, and, although better results had occurred, it had worked. _What was my brilliant plan,_ Tom asked himself, chuckling out loud as he thought of it. The prophecy started it all...but that foolish Albus Dumbledore had failed to tell Potter anything about it, and the plans were delayed. The images that were so carefully relayed to the boy, the haunting images that no one could possibly get over, had only aroused his curiosity about the door, not where it was. _Yes, Tom, you are very brilliant_, he told himself again. _It was their fault. But then showing the boy that he himself had captured his most beloved Godfather, the wretched Sirius Black, had gotten the kid moving. And he had dragged several others along with him, which was good, good for Tom, it had distracted him_, the man thought.

_In the end the foolish Black showed up anyways, and was killed by one of my most faithful, my angel of death...yes, yes she is, and she follows you, Tom_. Tom smiled sinisterly at no one in particular. _But them Dumbledore showed up, and in the end several of his faithful death eaters were taken to Azkaban. No matter, Tom, the dementors are back on our side, your faithful servants shall return shortly, yes, very shortly. The duel had been a great one_, Tom thought, _and in the end Dumbledore had nearly been killed_. _But no, Tom, we should play with him some more, yes, yes, very good. My angel of death and I escaped back here to set up our new headquarters._

_Yes, Tom, that was a very good battle...and now the imbecile of a Minister is aware of my return, yes...but all in due time shall we strike back, remember that Tom, no rashness. Yes, but where is my servant...yes, yes, there he is, working his pathetic tail off._

Suddenly, the tall oak doors swung open and a procession of death eaters came in, all wearing black hoods with small slits for the eyes_. The only way we like, yes Tom, yes_.

"Bella, what news have you for me?"

"Master," she fell to his feet and he pulled her up, "the death eaters have escaped from that wretched rat-trap they call a prison."

Tom felt a sense of foreboding in her voice, as though she had something else.

"But-?" he questioned sharply.

She had taken a breath, "My Lord, they have returned."

His temper rose. "Do not lie to me, Bella, tell me what you have been hiding from me."

"The traitor is not dead."

"What does that mean?" Tom asked, but the answer was already upon him, although he chose to ignore it.

"The last of the Blacks. We have not taken care of...her..."

His blood boiled. He knew who she spoke of, and he knew that she was alive. "The Blacks must all be dead. Bella go and get me tea."

"Master," another hooded man hissed, "They are both still alive."

"YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED THEM PROPERLY THE FIRST TIME! WHY CAN'T YOU KILL THEM AND GET IT OVER WITH!? DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?"

"No Master!"

"Get up Lucius. I said, GET UP!"

Lucius Malfoy stood up again and took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry Master. We are all ashamed."

"He's like a cockroach!" another death eater shouted mournfully. "HE won't die!"

"HE'S LIKE A COCKRACH? HE WON'T DIE? WHAT THE HELL OF A KIND OF RESPONSE IS THAT!? I WANT HIM DEAD!!" the Dark Lord screamed, causing several of his followers to step back, looking frightened.

_Tom, do not let them think that they can do this, do not let them win. A cockroach...that Sirius Black is like a cockroach...but we'll squish him...eventually._

"HE IS NOTHING LIKE A COCKROACH! THAT IS THE WORST EXCUSE I'VE EVER HEARD! FIND HIM! GO GO GO!!" He pointed a bony finger towards the door, and a group of Death Eaters swept out, hoods covering their faces.

_Hm, a cockroach..._

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_He-who-must-not-be-named: _I do not talk to myself like that, you cowering imbecile!  
Me: Geesh, calm down, cant you take a joke?  
Dark Lord: IT IS NO JOKE! The Dark Lord must not be insulted! HOW DARE YOU!?  
Me: Calm down, I am the all-powerful and Might author....I CAN DO AS I PLEASE!  
Voldie: BOW DOWN TO YOUR DARK LORD YOU PATHETIC MUGGLE!  
Me: -growls- GET back in the story and act crazy again -forces door shut on Voldie-  
Voldie: _Someone review and tell her to quit this!!!!_

Well, there ya go, review and tell me what ya think! Crazy, insane? Yep, that's me!


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